Roman Xavi - 4 Years Old
I have written a lot of birthday posts over the past two months (fun fact, 5 out of our 6 kids’ due dates were within a month span! ). And today is our son Roman’s 4th heavenly birthday. Sometimes it feels extra tough to have his birthday fall right in the middle of the holidays and the majority of our family’s birthdays. It’s such a season of celebration in our house, and yet, we have the most profound grief right at the forefront of our minds.
As I sit here writing this post, I am popping a pacifier back into a fussy Anders’ mouth every few minutes. The newborn phase is particularly triggering for me, as it’s the only point in Roman’s life that I knew him. I can’t help but be reminded of Roman when I’m holding Anders. It’s bittersweet for sure.
I’ve also been thinking about how we have more kids post-Roman than pre-Roman. I never thought we’d go on to have so many more kids after losing him. The fear of losing another child just felt like too much, but somehow, here we are, having just added our 6th child to the crew. I feel so incredibly grateful for Jackson, Luca, and Anders, as the things that plagued their pregnancies are likely the very thing that took Roman's life. Of course we'll never know for sure, but I sure do wish I could go back in time and get Roman out early.
The other day Jackson was talking about Roman and his picture that hangs in our bedroom. He said that Roman looked sad in it. I told Jackson that he wasn’t sad, just that he had his eyes closed. But he went on to say, “yes Mami, he’s sad because he wants to be with you!”
Oh how my heart shattered all over again in that moment. I so desparately want him to be with me too.
Dear Roman,
Happy birthday, sweet boy! Today you would be four years old! It doesn’t seem possible that four years have already come and gone since I held you in my arms.
This year you became a big brother again. It’s hard to believe that you have 3 little brothers when you’re just barely 4! I know you would have been a great big brother, just like Fynn, Jackson, and Luca are.
We still think about you and talk about you often. We talk about the things you would be doing if you were here with us. Like how you would have started Pre-K this year. Or be getting ready to start playing T-ball like your big brother Fynn. I’m sure you would be wrestling around with Fynn and Jack, or coloring pictures with Aly. Four is one of my favorite ages, and I’m sad to miss all the four year old things with you.
Oh, Roman. I miss you so much. We all do. I wish you were here with us each and every day. I wish I was making yet another batch of cupcakes to celebrate your birthday. But rest assured son, we are still celebrating you today. We will release your balloon and eat donuts like we do every year. Your brothers and sister will blow out your candles since you aren’t here to do so. You are always remembered, celebrated, and loved, my sweet Roman.
Happy heavenly birthday, Roman.
Mami loves you.