Scattered Thoughts of Roman
Roman has been on my mind so much the last few weeks. Well, that is more so than normal. I usually think about him on a daily basis, but lately its been all consuming; everything reminds me of him. Sometimes the thoughts are sweet moments, as Fynn tells Jackson about his other brother, and sometimes the pain and heartache threatens to overwhelm me.
I’ve decided that I will just start writing some short posts, as these moments and thoughts come to me…
The other day I was scrolling through photos, and I came across this photo:
This is the room where we found out we had lost Roman. Our lives were forever changed here in this triage room. Ironically, the first time I was admitted to the hospital with Jackson, I was placed in this very same room. I snapped this picture as I left triage that day. The juxtaposition of those two days are not lost on me.
This room actually haunted my nightmares for months after losing Roman. Every night I would lay down to sleep, and as soon as I closed my eyes, this scene would unfold, as if someone had been waiting and just pushed play. Every night, I heard over and over again , “I’m sorry, there is no heartbeat; and unfortunately there is nothing we can do.” Every night, I heard Ron’s sobs as he doubled over at this news.
It was actually kind of a bizarre thing I worked through, after a few months, these dreams would progress to the next ‘scene’ of that day, until eventually I made it to his funeral. It was like my subconscious was trying to process through that week and could only handle one little piece at a time.
I don’t fall asleep like this every night anymore. But I do often still visit this room in my mind. You see, it’s such a strange thing; I always want to think about Roman, yet the two times I saw my son, were this day in the hospital and his funeral. It makes me happy to think about Roman, but in order to be happy, it often means reliving my saddest days.
“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” -Revelation 21:4