Roman's Mom
It’s Mother’s Day today. For most of my Mother’s Days, I’ve found it to be more of a sad day than a happy one. Of course, I am grateful for the kids I have and this life of motherhood. But days like today tend to remind me more of the one who I don’t get to mother my son Roman. I’ve only held him once, for just a few short hours. When I held him, it felt like he was with us, just asleep in my arms, just as any newborn would be. But as the hours went on, and he never cried out for me, never yawned and stretched, and his body became noticebly colder in my arms, reality quickly settled back in, and the pain would wash over me again. I desperately wished to be able to mother him in those moments (and every moment since). The truth is, while I am forever Roman’s mom, I will never have the opportunity to mother Roman.
A week ago, some dear friends were visiting San Diego from Miami. We all know each other from over a decade ago. When we lost Roman, my friend flew to NY as soon as she heard the news. She came just to be there for us in anyway that she could. She took most of the pictures that I have of him, the only ones we have to carry us through a lifetime. She cared for me and remembered Roman, long after most people moved on with their lives. My friend lost an infant sister when she was little, and she just understood on a deeper level than most, along with her mother.
When they were visiting last week, we were eating dinner and catching up. My friend mentioned that she told her mom that she was going to see me that night, and that her mom immediately exclaimed, “Ohhh, Roman’s Mom!”
Roman’s Mom.
That is a phrase I’ve never heard anyone speak actually. I get called Aly’s Mom, Fynnlan’s Mom, Jackson’s Mom, Luca’s Mom, and even Anders’ Mom. But no one has ever referred to me as Roman’s Mom.
I started crying over dinner. I was so taken aback, in the best way possible, that someone would know me as, and call me Roman’s Mom. It’s such a simple thing, yet it floored me.
And what an honor it is to be Roman’s Mom. While most people do not know me as that, it is perhaps one of my titles that has shaped me the most. I’m not the same person I was 5.5 years ago. We’ve experienced a lot of pain and suffering over the past half-decade that has chiseled me into a new person altogether. Some parts for the better, some parts I wish I could shake. But nonetheless, it is who I am. And though most will never call me it, I will proudly wear the title of Roman’s Mom each and every day of my life.
Roman, what a joy it is to be your mother, today on Mothers Day, but also every day.