Quarantine Complaints
I actually wrote the following blog post in early May, but never posted it. It felt too “woe is me” when our nation is in such turmoil right now. Today I decided to finally post it, mostly to just remember what that season was like in the years to come. Since writing this post, we spent two months in Oklahoma resting and recharging, moved to California where we now have more space and can get outdoors. Our kids are back to remote learning, but this time we’re not blind-sighted by it all, the newborn has grown a bit, and we’ve all adjusted to this new normal of life. I’m optimistic that I won’t fall to this lowest of lows again, but who knows. If I do, or if you do, let this post merely serve as a reminder that you are not alone! This is a weighty thing for the whole world right now.
Guys, I’m tired. Real tired.
It’s been 75 days since we have officially been on lock down, self-quarantining at home. Even the weeks leading up to the official state mandate, we had already begun to stay home, only getting out for school. So we have spent the last three months inside. Our family has grown from 5 people to 6 in our 800 square foot apartment, where we’re stuck 24 hours a day. We do not have a backyard. Our playgrounds are closed. The parks are too far to walk for a quick trip, and the weekends are overrun with people. We have a concrete pier which we briefly visit 2-3 times a week if we’re lucky. The kids’ remote learning schedules keep us indoors all day long on most days. The kids have had to learn how to play outside when there is nothing but a slab of concrete. Chalk has become their best friend, and their imaginations have grown leaps and bounds. They spend half of their time trying to dodge and avoid other people, as unknowing toddlers chase after them, or they simply try to carve out a space 6 foot away from others in a city of millions. They’ve quickly learned to always wear a mask when leaving the house. The complaints of having to wear one while playing have begun to subside. And when they happen to see a friend outside, they are quick to remind them to stay 6 feet away. This is their new normal. Subways and buses are but a distant memory now. All they know is our tiny apartment, the pier, and our family.
Both of my children’s schools have put wonderful remote learning options into place. Everything is well organized and laid out. There are scheduled times for the kids to participate and see their teachers and friends, which is amazing.
Amazing and exhausting.
Each child has live sessions 3-4 times a day, all at different times. Then you add in my toddler who receives virtual therapy 8 times a week. There are some days that I am online with the children 10 times in one day, none which overlap. This doesn’t even begin to cover the fact that Ron and I are both trying to work. Oh and we have a newborn who needs to eat every 2.5-3 hours. I am physically and mentally doing so much more than I ever thought I was capable of. But the truth is, I don’t know how to do be wife, mother, worker, teacher, and therapist all at the same time. I am hanging on by the thinnest of threads. And my exhaustion is equally matched with my level of guilt. Guilt that I’m not able to give 110% to my work. Guilt that the house is in shambles most of the week. Guilt that I don’t get to snuggle my newborn as often as I’d like. Guilt that my toddler has to fend for himself much of the day, as I homeschool the others, work, and nurse a baby. Guilt that the oldest two are having obscene amounts of screen time and we’re too exhausted to play with them in the evenings and weekends. We’re 11 weeks into this new schedule, and we still have 5 weeks of remote learning to go. Many of us have lost hope that our children will even be in school in the Fall, and I honestly have no idea what we’ll do. Life like this just isn’t sustainable. Sigh.
I see the rest of the country beginning to return to a bit of normalcy, and I wonder how long for us? We were hit the hardest by this pandemic, and it is not over yet. Sometimes I cannot believe that this is reality right now. I mourn the loss of the New York we have known and loved for so long. And I wonder what it will look like if and when things return to normal.
Life is so strange right now. This has mostly been a post of me complaining about how life is hard haha. And I know everyone is dealing with hardships through all of this too, but I would love to hear some positive things that have come from all of this! For me, it’s been all of the family time. It’s been great having Ron home every day and great to see the kids’ relationships grow deeper, and of course Luca has been the biggest blessing of 2020 :D