Roman Xavi- 4 Months Later
Today Roman would have been 4 months old. I don't have any profound thoughts to share, but I just feel like writing today as I am so deep in my sadness. Most of the time, I like to blog when I have my thoughts somewhat together, but today I'll let you get a glimpse of a heavily grieving Mama...
It seems unreal that four months could have already passed. Most days, the pain of losing him feels as fresh as the first day. While it has gotten easier to get through each passing day, I don't know that the grief has gotten any easier. Maybe if anything, it's gotten harder than it was a month ago. The waves of sadness and pangs of heartache hit me when I least expect it. It's just...really hard. When these moments come, and we ask each other what's wrong, there is nothing more to say than, "I just miss him." I wish I had memories. The only memories we have, are the day in the hospital and his funeral. So when I want to think about him, that's what I have. So instead, I imagine what life would be like if he were here. I long for my son to be with us. I imagine he would be rolling all over and probably trying to keep him away from Fynn's potty. I imagine Aly would sing to him at nap times, as she does with Fynn. I imagine Ron would feed him a bottle, while I rested. I imagine watching him in his sleep, and staring into those eyes when he wakes....But that's all I have, my imagination, mourning the loss of what could have been.
Mostly, it just seems really unfair. Though, as I say that, I know that what is "fair" for a sinner like me, is far worse than anything I've endured. What is unfair is that God willingly gave up his son. I understand now better than I ever have the love God has for us, because I cannot fathom willingly giving away my Roman for anyone, yet that's how much God loved us. It really is incredible to think about. In the moments where I feel most unloved, I am reminded just how loved I actually am. I will get to see Roman again someday, and worship our Creator who loved us so and bridged the gap to Heaven.