Clenched Fists

***I wrote this post in the middle of September, but I didn't post it until now just because Ron hadn't changed jobs yet. But here it is!

So I decided to write about some things that having been going within our household.  I know often times when I write about what's happening in Aly's world for the week, it can seem very whimsical.  Naturally, I want to capture and remember the good parts!  However, I said from the start of my blogging ventures that I wanted to be real and honest.  So here I am being honest and vulnerable...

A few months ago, Ron was presented with an opportunity to teach computer science.  It seemed like such a great answer to our prayers.  We felt (and still do) that God was leading us down this path.  It made sense.  We were excited.  Though Ron would be leaving a job he loved, he was hopeful that this too would be something he loved.  Along with the new job, it meant a better financial situation for us.  I could work from home full-time, we could pay off more debt, get a bigger apartment, travel with all the new time off, etcetera. 

Only this hasn't turned out like we thought it would.  The job hasn't worked out at all like we thought it would.  We will soon be in another job transition with a worse financial situation then before. 

Along with the jobs/finances situation, we have been dealing with apartment woes too.  We currently live in a 400 square foot apartment with our 10 month old. We have long since outgrown our space.  We found an amazing apartment opportunity back in May.  It is brand new huge two bedroom that is under market value since it's through the NYC's housing lottery.  Since it's done through the city, there are a TON of hoops you have to jump through to get the apartment.  It is now the end of September, and we still aren't through the process.  It has been so frustrating how long it's taking.  It is definitely an act of patience on our end.  While we are waiting, we can't be apartment hunting, because ultimately we want this one, so we're just being left in limbo at this point.  Every day we have conversations of "if we get this new apartment..." 

So with the unknown of work and apartment situations looming, we have been a bit stressed.  As we talked through my concerns, I began to realize that I have been holding onto certain things with clenched fists.  Things such as being able to stay at home full time, being debt free, having a nice apartment, and a car.  I realized that these are things that I have placed on a pedestal.  I am willing to let God be in control and trust Him--as long as His way leads me to these things.  And for a few months this summer, it looked like this was exactly what God did indeed have in store for us.  So I guess that is why it is extra hard for me.  I was so close to getting these "things" that I so desperately want.  I could feel them within my reach, and how dare God take those away from me!  Oh wait, yeah, He's still God, and He's still sovereign.  He knows what is best for me and for our family.  He is prying my fingers open and asking me to hand over these "things" I have been clutching onto so tightly.  It's crazy because up until this week, I didn't even realize I was holding onto these things.  I am thankful that God is using this situation to further refine me and teach me to truly trust and and rely on Him.  

While we still don't know what the future holds for us, I do know that I will be approaching it with open hands.

***2 months later and God is still teaching us this lesson.  The apartment opportunity was taken away from us about 2 weeks ago.  So now I think God is really working on our hearts.  We are not guaranteed the best of the best, so are we content with what God has given us? This is definitely a season of refinement for our family.
 

 


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