My Sweet Roman,

You would be 2.5 now. Of course I think about you and miss you daily, but this past month my heart has ached so much for you. I think in some part it is because your littlest brother was born, and the birth and newborn days always stir up emotions in me, as I only knew you as a newborn.

When we were at the hospital to have Luca, one of our nurses that day was the nurse who initially discovered you had passed. Papi always has such a good memory and recognized her immediately. The nurse remembered us, as she had only witnessed a handful of stillbirths, and she said she remembered Papi the most. I understand that, because his cries of anguish are something that are forever ingrained in my memories.
When I walked initially walked into the delivery room, for some reason seeing the little bassinet in the corner made me miss you terribly. I remember you laying there, lifeless, as they weighed you and cleaned you up. The heat lamps had no use for your already cold body.
As I lay there waiting for Luca to be born, there were an abundance of babies born that day. Every hour or so we’d hear fresh newborn cries from the surrounding rooms. It brought tears to my eyes as I hoped to hear Luca’s cries and simultaneously remembered the devastation I felt at not hearing your own cries. I remember walking to the delivery room to have you, hearing another baby’s heartbeat loudly over a monitor. It brought me to my knees as I so desperately wanted to hear your heartbeat, and it felt like such a cruel reminder that there wasn’t a little heartbeat inside me anymore. With both Jackson and Lucas’ births, I have insisted on having the heartbeat monitor at full volume the entire labor, a small comfort to me.

I desperately wish I could have experienced newborn days with you, held you snuggled up on my chest. Papi would have showered you with kisses, telling you that he had to catch you up to your siblings. I wish we could have seen your first steps, heard your first words. I wish I could have seen you become a big brother to Jackson. I can only imagine what sort of friendship you and Jackson would have had, being only 10 months a part. And now I wish that I could see you as a seasoned big brother to Luca. I often see your 3 brothers all together, and I imagine what it would be like if you were here too. Our house is full of boys, but oh buddy, you are so missed. We all talk of you often, you are always a part of our family.

Roman Xavi- 2.5 Years Later