Waiting For Jackson
This evening, Ron and I (okay, Ron, while I watched) raised the crib mattress up in preparation for Jackson's arrival. It might seem like a small act, but each little "to-do" that we knock off our list, is actually so weighty and feels like a step of faith. Because raising that crib up means that I expect to put a baby in it. What should be so certain in our minds, just isn't. So I feel so vulnerable when we act in ways of certainty. I want to believe that it's true, but in the same breath, my instinct is to "protect" myself, to guard my heart just a little. As if not preparing a crib could somehow lessen the blow of losing a child. I know this to be false, yet my mind still operates in this fashion, even if subconsciously. So we make conscious efforts to be "normal" during this pregnancy.
After we set up the crib, I spent some time praying in the kids' room. Praying and asking God to please allow me to mother this child, and to see Jackson laying in this crib. We so desperately want to bring him home.
As I was praying, I heard Aly and Fynn in the distant playing. They were playing with their baby dolls, in which various scenarios happened and they ended up with dead babies. Man. The anxiety in our house right now is so tangible, right down to our almost 3 year old son.
Tonight, I'm praying for peace, peace that surpasses all understanding. I'm praying for an overwhelming sense of calm and trust over the next 4.5 weeks. Feel free to join me ;)